How do I cope?
This isn't really a question, more of a tribute.
I knew my Dad had DVT. I knew he had PE. I knew the warfarin didn't work. I knew the clexane did. But he had to stop the clexane before and after a liver biopsy. I made a massive fuss when I thought they were asking him to stop the clexane too long after the biopsy. I made sure the consultants sat down and reviewed his case properly and as a result they said he could start much sooner.
I never left his side. I stayed with him all the time. People said I should get out and see my friends. But how could I?
I promised him, I said "Dad, I promise you I will never leave you. Never. I will be here with you always. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I'm here and I love you so much."
I slept in his room to make sure he slept ok.
But in the end it wasn't ok. I called for an ambulance and I held him as he suffocated. I kissed his head and held him and told him how proud I was of him and how brave he was. I held his hand and calmed him as he choked and screamed for air. I told him I love him so much and he said he knew. I just kept very calm and told him they were coming soon and it was ok, that he felt really bad because his lungs weren't working properly and he should just try not to panic and concentrate on his breathing. He held on to me and his eyes kept rolling back into his head. I kept talking to him and when the ambulance crew came I held him and talked him through everything that was happening. My poor beautiful father, he was begging for air but it wouldn't work because of the pulmonary embolism blocking his vein. Words can't describe my devastation and the devastation felt by everyone who knew him. I just love him so much.
People say how well I'm coping, they ask, how am I being so brave?
And in answer to my own question, 'how do I cope?', I cope with all the beauty, love, devotion and memories my father gave to me.
Dad, you were truly the best.. And you will remain forever within me, you will be there- in every good thing I do, just like you always have been.
And now I must stop, because words will not stop this ache. I wouldn't want them to. That ache is part of me now and I can only hold onto the hope that somehow, in some small way, it helped a little that I was with you when you started dying, that I held your hand and kissed you and loved you so much that it hurt.
A poem for you Dad,
If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.
No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say "Goodbye".
You were gone before I knew it,
and none of us know why.
My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.
Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today,
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.